Achieving Happiness

I am still upset.

It’s hell dealing with a publisher who thinks that popularity is the main goal for any newspaper. I cringe.

What the hell am I freakin’ doing here?! Gad, everything I’ve learned and believed in since I’ve learned to believe in anything is severely being tested; and I have neither the patience nor the ability to tolerate anyone who’s views are so wretchedly in contrast with mine.

David, I want to say to his face, David, you are a major league bully who knows about journalism as much as a fish knows about the difference between cumulus or cirrus clouds. You dink.

Why do I hold back?
Gad, if I let go, I’m certainly going to get fired.

Not that it matters much to me. Getting fired would actually solve all my problems and I would be able to go back home to where my real work, my real goals in life are. I am not being defined by being editor in chief of a newspaper whose publisher is a Master of the Nazgul.

But I can’t get fired.

I can’t yet. I am much too angry still.

Ang pikon talo. And David will again turn this newspaper into a…gossip sheet. It kills me to think that Filipinos are being subjected to pap.

Sure, sure, I know that many Filipinos here like reading gossip, enjoy reading brainless articles. BUT ONLY BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT THEY’VE BEEN GIVEN TO READ.

Can’t we up the ante just a little bit?!

The Philippines is in a perpetual state of war, and OFWS are soldiers sent far away to bring back more loot in the form of taxes for the government to squander. Five political activists are being killed every week by the AFP mercenaries. Oil prices are insane, and the real value of wages has been reduced to almost nothing.

Did I mention that five political activists are being killed every week? And domestic helpers are still being cheated of their hard-earned salaries via a wage levy, and there’s a war brewing between the US and Iran, and immigrants bare being booted out of America, but instead of making the newspaper report the truth and help heighten the awareness of its readers about social realities, my publisher wants me to devote an entire,four-page section to gossip. Aaaaaaaargh!

Why do I care so much?
Other people my age, from my own economic and cultural background seem to be just enjoying themselves and milking all fun they can get from life. Gad. I sound so bitter and angry. I am incapable of enjoying myself 100 percent because of all these…issues crowding in on me.

Can one walk through life with blinders? Like some prize horse?

Or maybe I can just ignore everything and everyone who upsets me. Give them the finger and then walk away. 

Here, David, talk to the hand. You wuss.

——-

An hour later. Am far from being done ranting. Especially since he’s here and walking around the office, surveying his domain, so to speak. 

I’m thinking so much about David that it’s like I’m in love with the guy. I am so angry that I keep making up dialogue in my head:

‘You know so little about the world, about people, and what truly matters in life. You, sir, are a capitalist!’ (I spit out the last word, like so much phlegm that’s choking me)

"How dare you tell me how to run the paper? You don’t know anything about Filipinos and the Philippines apart from making money out of both!"

"Shove it."

"You jerk."

And so on and so on.

Gad.

—-

Okay, I feel calmer now, and am capable of being objective.

Or at least I can try to be.

I am sorely tempted to corner this person and give him a lecturing. Or, if he could only be less of what he is (self-assured, confident, content with his place in the world and what he has), ask him: Ano ba ang kahulugan sa iyo ng buhay? Para saan ba sa iyo ang buhay mo? Saan nakalaan ang kabuuan ng iyong pagkatao?

A philosophical discussion would be so interesting. Dissecting the mind of a capitalist.

Pera lang ba talaga?
I’ve been an activist for 14 years, and still it’s so hard for me to accept that such people — people who have so much and are capable for accomplishing so many things for the good of humanity with their wealth and talent but don’t — exist. It’s so goddamn frustrating!

What is your passion? Do you believe in embracing something larger than yourself, being part of something that will outliveyou, survive the decay of your mortal flesh, doing something that will leave an indelible mark on the lives of people, and perhaps, affect history and its inevitable outcome?

How does one measure one’s self-worth? How does one define meaning for one’s existence? What is the greatest purpose for living?

People with money can do so much with their wealth. To help others, to contribute to society, to further causes that serve humanity. Gad. David has that chance, to help Filipinos here in Hong Kong by letting his newspaper be an instrument for their education, and building of political and social awarness; or even just helping them cope with the hardships of their daily life as domestic helpers.

David, dare I talk to you and would you listen?

I already know the answer. Sadly, it’s ‘No.’

This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2006 at 10:02 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.