Archive for January, 2006

Taking recycling to ridiculous levels

Wednesday, January 11th, 2006

Holy crow, start of the new year and the politicians are already at it! I’m 30 years old and I’m freaking sickened and disgusted by the conduct of the same people who have lorded it over this forsaken country for the last three decades. Crap, talk about making the same mistakes over and over and over again, like Ground Hog day in hell.

Fidel Ramos still hogs the limelight - how’s that for sick? Why is the media still paying attention to this guy? During his turn at the bat he surrendered the country’s electricity industry to the private sector and foreign big business, and thanks to him, our power bills will never go down and Meralco and the independent power producers will forever maintain a chokehold on the industry.

What alternatives do these loser politicians present to the country and the Filipino people? Their economic programs  and so-called blueprints for progress have  already been exposed and they stink to high heaven; yet here they are, insinuating themselves into the picture and projecting themselves as the country’s saviors. I agree completely with recycling grabage, but this ridiculous!

Same old names and faces, same policies and programs that have brought nothing but greater misery and poverty for the Filipino people. If we lug out all the newspapers from 10 years ago and cross-check them against each other from cover-to-cover, section per section, I’m certain that it will out that most of these reports contain the same ideas, same analysis as the reports in the mainstream media these days. Charter change yada-yada-yada.

While the trapos preen and granstand; and while the so-called opinion makers plonk their two-centavos each worth of analysis on daily political developments, the rest of the Filipino nation continue to fight against the wolves of hunger, disease and homeless tht keep pawing that their doors. From off the top of my head, I recall various statistics from year 2000: the number of people living on less than US$1 a day increased from 27 million in 1997 to 31 million, of a total population of 76 million. The Philippines has one of the highest levels of income inequality in Asia, with the poorest 20 per cent of the population accounting for only 5 per cent of total income or consumption.

Anyone care to bet on whether or not these stats have improved?

Already, the results of the latest and first Social Weather Stations (SWS) survey for 2006 released late last week show  that more Filipinos believe they are impoverished while the proportion of Filipino families experiencing hunger hit a new record high in the last quarter of 2005. The survey focuses on hunger and how many Filipinos experience it and how ofte.

(Jeez, I wonder how the SWS people went about asking the questions. Is it possible that they asked respondents questions like these:

"Manong, gaano kadalas kayo kumain sa isang araw?"

"Pag kumakain kayo, masasabi nyo bang  (a) nabusog kayo; (b) kulang ang pagkain; (c) parang hangin lang ang kinain nyo dahil sa napakakaunti?"

"Gaano kayo kadalas makakain ng karne? Hindi po ninyo alam kung ano ang karne? A, nakalimutan na ninyo ang lasa ng karne…"

Anyways, respondents accounting for 16.7 percent of the population said they went hungry at least once from October to December 2005. (Skipped meals on purpose because of lack of money? )

The figure is the highest national proportion recorded since SWS began surveying hunger, surpassing the previous peak of 16.1 percent in March 2001.

Self-rated poverty also rose to 57 percent from 49 percent in the third quarter of 2005. (I find this curious: if I were to rate myself in terms of how poor I am, compared to most Pinoys, I’m freakin’ rich: I can still eat at Jollibee’s. Apparently, the financial capability to buy a burger from a fastfood chain and maintain a smoking habit, as well as the possession of a colored television set already ranks a Pinoy as non-poor. The ways and means the government stat agencies have for determining  poverty drives me to the brink of homicide.)

The SWS itself points out that these directly-measured high levels of economic deprivation reveal  yet again that orthodox economic statistics such as Gross National Product give a very misleading picture of the state of economic well-being. (One of the biggest understatements of the new year.)

The hunger proportion has been in double-digits ever since the second quarter of 2004, raising the 1998-2005 average hunger to 10.6 percent. It was last recorded at 15.5 percent in August.

Severe hunger, defined as families going hungry often or always in the last three months, rose in all areas of the country including Metro Manila. It was at 3.9 percent in December 2005 - over 600,000 families - from 2.6 percent in August 2005. (He-llo, I personally know of families in Tondo and Parola who live on canned sardines. For instance, there five members to a family, and they share a can of P12 sardines and a package of P5 instant noodles for breakfast. How can ever leave anyone feeling full? ) 

Moderate hunger, defined as those experiencing it once or a few times in the last three months, was at 12.8 percent in August 2005 - about 2.1 million families - compared to 12.9 percent in August 2005. (People in the provinces have resorted to eating even poisonous rootcrops to stifle hunger pangs.)

Hunger in Mindanao as of December 2005 was at 21.7 percent, up by 10 points from 12 percent in August 2005, and up by 16 points from a low 5.3% in May 2005.

Hunger also rose in Metro Manila, from 16.7 percent to 21 percent, and in the Visayas, from 13.3 percent to 14.3 percent.

In Luzon, hunger declined from 18.0 percent to 13.7 percent.The Self-Rated Poor in December 2005 was at 62 percent in Mindanao, up by 10 points, and 55 percent in Balance Luzon, up by 11 points. (Rice is no longer the staple food of many Pinoy households: instant noodles are it. There’s even a instand noodle brand which carries as its main selling point the fact that it can be considered as ulam. Adobo flavored noodles…)

The self-rated poor was at 56 percent in Visayas and 53 percent in Metro Manila, both hardly changed from 55 percent and 52 percent, respectively, in August 2005.

I got the following from an obscure site on poverty in the Philippines. According to the editors, poverty is caused by the following:

-Filipinos’ laziness to work harder and more hours
-By lack of quality consciousness
-By lack of love FOR God and thus FOR all his children on earth
-By abuse by rich ones
- By mismanagement of government due to lack of sincere interest for the benefit of ALL
- By social injustice  / industry / money world / investors / rich ones
- By accidents / disasters / war / political instability
- By personal karma

Hey, three out of eight ain’t bad!

Analyzing the Smurfs

Thursday, January 5th, 2006

                  Marx_and_papa_smurf            

Smurf Theme

La, la, la, la, la, la,

sing a happy song La,

la, la, la, la, la, Smurf the whole day long

(whistle) - Smurf along with me (whistle) - simple as can be

Next time you’re feeling blue just let a smile begin

Happy things will come to you so Smurf yourself a grin

(spoken) "Ooh, I hate Smurfs! I’ll get you, I’ll get all of you, If it’s the last thing I’ll ever do!"

La, la, la, la, la, la, now you know the tune

La, la, la, la, la, la, you’ll be Smurfing soon.

——————

Papa_smurf Okay. Now that it has been established in my last, what? two, three blogs? that am slightly off my rocker and am trying to depetrify my brain, let there be no questions as to why the heck I’m writing about this and that — things that are, well, non-political.

Teka, now that I think about it, it turns out that in one way or another, the things I choose to write about have streaks of the political in them. Harhar! Ganun na pala talaga. Sheesh.

Anyways.

This morning I was wishing so hard that I could watch reruns of The Smurfs. It was one of my MOST FAVORITE cartoon series when I was a kid (along with Daimos, Voltes V, Astroboy and all those Bugs Bunny and Looney Tunes shows).

Channel 13 was still showing The Smurfs when I was in high school, and it was then that I read a few articles in Time and Newsweek that the series was being tagged as ’socialist’ and even ‘communist.’ Of course back then I didn’t understand what those terms precisely meant; but heck, Time and Newsweek slapped those labels it, so –good or bad, they must’ve meant something by them.

In Belgium (where the cartoon originated) and other countries in Europe, The Smurfs is still being shown and is still quite popular. Only last August, UNICEF released a controversial video wherein the Smurf village was bombed by military planes, and Smurfs were shown lying dead and mangled, while a baby Smurf was left crying at the horror. The video, according to Unicef, was meant to awaken public awareness and elicit support for a campaign to raise funds to rescue child soldiers in war-torn areas in Africa.

This is a more intelligent way to use and analyze popular media images; at least it’s more intelligent than what the rightists in the US did, stirring up a stupid debate on whether SpongeBob Squarepants teaches homosexuality to children and should thus be pulled off air. Duh.

For those who were born much later than I - who and what exactly are Smurfs? They’re tiny, blue creatures who live in mushroom houses in a village hidden in the forest. Smurfs are blue, three-apples tall, and speak a dialect which makes heavy use of the word "smurf." The root word "smurf" is used extensively as a noun, verb, and everything in-between; "what a smurfy smurf, Papa Smurf" would not be an uncommon sentence. There are over 100 Smurfs inside the Smurf Village.

The Smurfs are led by 543-year-old Papa Smurf, a good and powerful wizard. Each Smurf is assigned a task in the village, according to their ability and the needs of the community. Smurfs live peaceful lives in harmony with nature. The word "Schtroumpf" (Smurf) is the Flemish equivalent of the English language colloquial "Whatchamacallit".)

The following is a paper on the Smurfs that really tickled my brain. It makes me want to write my own paper on Korean soaps and movies, and how they are often, consciously or not, expressions of the Korean people collective thoughts and feelings about the separation of their country into the North and South because of imperialist interference and the US’ capitalist experiment.

Hope you guys enjoy it as much as I did.

—————-

Socio-Political Themes in the Smurfs, by J Marc Schmidt, author of Egg Story

Introduction:
This is a discursive analysis of the television programme The Smurfs, created by Peyo, and first aired during the greater part of the eighties. In other words, it is an analysis of some of the socio-political themes I have noticed in the show.

The Smurfs is a unique programme. It is, first and foremost, a cartoon, and as such it is aimed at children. The discussion could end there, however, unlike many other cartoons, or indeed other television programmes, The Smurfs is about an entire society and its interactions with itself and with outsiders, rather than the adventures of just a few characters. Hence I believe it is, in short, a political fable, in much the same way that the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe  was a fable about Christianity. Rather than Christianity, however, The Smurfs is about Marxism.

I am not accusing it of being some kind of subversive kiddie propaganda - although if it was, would it really be that much worse than the spate of ‘toyetic’ cartoons of the same decade that only existed to sell plastic toys? In any case, this essay should be seen as the highest kind of praise. What other childrens’ shows would address the issue of Marxism in such a way, and at such a pivotal point in the history of the Cold War?

The Smurfs should be praised for using metaphor and the device of the fairy tale to introduce children to political themes. If Peyo was a socialist, however, he was obviously not the sort who had much time for the version of it practiced by the Soviet Union and other Eastern bloc police states. He was a utopian. There is a distinct lack of any kind of army or police in the Smurf Village. On rare occasions when it is necessary, they form their own civilian militia to fight off threats. Otherwise, it is the absolute opposite of the police state.

After my brief analysis of Marxism in The Smurfs, I will also be addressing the issues of feminism and homosexuality in the show. But the main concern of this essay is to argue that The Smurfs was a Marxist fable.

The Smurf Village as a Marxist Utopia

The Smurf Village itself is a perfect model of a socialist commune or collective. It is self-reliant, and the land is not owned by individuals, but by the entire collective of all the Smurfs, if the word ‘owned’ is even appropriate.

Papa Smurf represents Karl Marx. He is not so much the leader of the Smurfs as an equal revered by the others for his age and wisdom. He has a beard, as did Marx, and thus could conceivably be a caricature as well. And lastly, he wears red, which is the traditional colour of socialism.

Despite their different professions/distinctions, the Smurfs are all completely equal. Thus, while the occupations of certain Smurfs, such as Brainy, Farmer, Handy and Greedy, are more important than others, such as Clumsy, Grouchy, or Lazy, there is no feeling that certain Smurfs are superior or inferior to others because of their work, or level of skill, because ultimately, everyone is a Smurf first.

Economically, the Smurf Village is closed-market. There is no money, and all possessions are communal - property of the collective. Everyone is equally a worker and an owner. The Smurfs reject the idea of a free-market economy, with its greed and inequities, and the collective is more important and valuable than the individual. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. John Lennon asked us to ‘imagine no possessions’. The Smurf Village achieves that goal. In fact, many of the ideas expressed in that song are reality in the Village. There is one large piece of capital, or produced means of production, in the Smurf Village: the dam. It is owned, operated and repaired by the entire collective.

The Smurfs all refer to one another by the same title; ‘Smurf’. Eg, Brainy Smurf, Handy Smurf, Jokey Smurf, Lazy Smurf, Papa Smurf. This is highly reminiscent of socialist states’ use of the word ‘comrade’ when referring to others, instead of more elitis titles.

Adding to the idea of complete equality in the Village, most of the Smurfs wear the same kind and colour of clothes. It is a general work uniform, and with the distinctive caps and blue skin, is highly reminiscent of the so-called Mao Suit, common in Maoist China.

In the tradition of pure Marxism, the Smurf Village is atheist. There is no god, and there is no Priest Smurf. There are only the ‘real’ forces of nature and physics, and these are represented metaphorically by the characters of Mother Nature and Father Time. Of course, there is also magic, as practised by Papa, Gargomel, Balthazar and others, but it is simply another tool, something that occurs in nature, that has physical properties and can be tapped into, with the right know-how. It is not, as many religions are, a way of understanding the universe in a supernatural context.

The episode The King Smurf was the ultimate illustration of the Marxian conflict between the bad, oppressive kind of government, where greedy kings (and capitalists) exploited the population for their own ends; and the good, egalitarian political model Marx had formulated. In the episode, a militia is formed to overthrow Brainy, who has become King in Papa Smurf’s absence, and utopian order is restored when Papa Smurf returns. In this instance, Papa Smurf, as Marx himself, represents the ideal form of Marxism.

The evil wizard Gargomel represents capitalism.He embodies everything bad about capitalism.He is greedy, ruthless, and his only concern is with his own personal gratification. He is what happens when the individual makes himself more important than the society he lives in. Not coincidentally, he is also a crazy old hermit wth no real friends.

What does Gargomel want to do with the Smurfs? He has two ideas. The first is to eat them. This is unusual, because the Smurfs are small and rare, and would not make as good eating as, say, a deer. It is similar to Sylvester’s obsession with eating the golf ball sized meal that is Tweety Bird. There are two explanations.

The first is that metaphorically, he wants to devour socialism, as the West wanted to do to the USSR and its satellites during the Cold War through its tactic of encirclement. The second is that as a pure capitalist, he wishes to turn everything into a commodity - including people. The second thing Gargomel plans to do to the Smurfs once he catches them is to turn them into gold. As the ultimate supercapitalist, he is more concerned with his own wealth than with equality and fairness. Like any Adam Smith style capitalist, it is his ‘natural’ state to want as much money as he can get.

Gargomel is a cold, bitter and ultimately empty man. This is because he has nothing else in his life but a soulless quest for wealth and possessions. A definite statement about the anti-social effects of economic rationalism.

Gargomel’s ginger cat, Azrael, represents the worker in the ruthless, free-market state that is Gargomel’s house. He is uncomplaining, or, since he has no voice (ie. Trade Unions), is metaphorically unable to complain. He cannot negotiate his wage - he eats whatever he is given by his master. He is smaller and less well-off than Gargomel, and metaphorically, he represents the proletariat, while Gargomel represents the bourgeoise. Azrael is exploited and oppressed. He risks his life fighting and hunting for his master, and does not have the intellectual capacity to question this state of affairs, just as the worker suffered his fate for centuries because education was off limits to him, and he had no other option but to work for his bosses.

Gargomel owns his house and everything in it, including the capital of his alchemical equipment, in nothing like the way that the Smurfs own their village. If the same political structure existed at Gargomel’s house, both he and Azrael would be equal owners, regardless of Gargomel’s superior size, knowledge and skill. But Azrael owns nothing.

The incursion of the new characters later in the series/eighties, such as the Smurflings, with their colours and different clothes and looks, can be viewed in the real world as an incursion by commercial interests to increase the popularity and sellability old the show. In the show, metaphorically, they represent Western intrusion to the utopian harmony of the Smurf Village, just as Gorbachev’s glasnost and perestroika reforms in the mid to late eighties heralded the ultimate demise of the Soviet Union.

Feminism and the Smurfs

Monique Wittig wrote that women are defined as women, while men are defined by their occupation, the idea being that men have occupatons but women do not. For example, if an accident was being reported, the victims might be described as ‘a teacher, a plumber and a woman’. Smurfette is unique in the village in that she is not defined by an occupation or a personality trait like the male, or real Smurfs, but by her sex. She is not a real member of society because of her sex, and this is represented metaphorically in the show by the fact that she was created by Gargomel.

The dimunitive suffix of ‘ette’, common in our society, also identifies Smurfette as being not the equal of the males. She is the second sex.

Above I asserted that eveyone in the Village was equal. In a sense, this is still true. In the beginning, it was all male, and Smurfette’s introduction did not disrupt the patriarchal order. Thus, Smurfette is equal to the others politically, but not socially.

In an ideal, sexist, patriarchal state, women are not a part of the community. They do not occupy the ‘public sphere’ of work and the outside world, and they certainly do not work. Smurfette’s main occupation seems to be standing around looking pretty, ie ‘being the woman’, although when it comes to problem solving, the producers have not, thankfully, made her a brainless bimbo. She is quite a bit sharper than the rest of the Smurfs, except of course, for Papa.

Smurfette is definitely the ‘object’ of the male gaze. Since she is the object, the males are the subjects. They are active, she is passive.

Smurfette has no breasts. I believe this is significant when we consider how Smurfette was created. She began life as the almost Frankensteinian creation of Gargomel. As a capitalist, he naturally is treating her as a commodity, something which can be made, used and disposed of, all ultimately to make him money. The idea that a woman can be made by a man denies women’s key role in procreation. The fact that she does not posess breasts goes further to this denial of nature, an attempt to control women, to make them conform to the societal norm imposed by the patriachal order.

Smurfette is a secondary creation, in that she was made after the males. She has a heart of stone, and technically, she is unnatural. Physically and metaphorically, she is not a ‘real’ smurf. She is, in short, bad and wrong, as patriarchal cultures have viewed women for centuries.

How do you make a better woman? In other words how do you make a woman who is acceptable by society (ie. the Village or our own society)? One, you take all the fight out of her. Make her compliant, make her toe the line created and maintained by the male-dominated social structure. One visual example of this is her transformation from a brunette to a blonde. Western society traditionally stereotypes dark-haired women as brainy, but blondes as dumber, but more beautiful and desirable. And that is another way to make a better woman. You make her beautiful. Essentially, when Papa Smurf casts his spell to make Smurfette a ‘real’ Smurf, the visible difference ws that she was more ‘beautiful’ as well.

Thus it follows that before, she was ugly. So when it comes to women, ugly equals wrong, and beautiful equals right, and in a sense, real. But why is one thing beautiful and another thing not? Who says??Ultimately, the patriachal order. And the Smurf Village, with its 99:1 ratio of males to females, is definitely a patriarchy. This adds to he idea of woman as commodity - she is changed and made by men, and is beautiful by their standards. And at the end of it she is thankful.

Gloria Steinem once wrote that ‘women were history’s first drag queens’, meaning that ideals of beauty are all imposed by the patriachal order, and there is no reason for women to look ‘like women’ other than a need for distinction between the sexes, and to reinforce the idea of women as mere objects, as the focus of male gaze. Smurfette is no exception.

In an ideal patriarchal society, there are no women. Can you imagine what the Smurf village would be like if the ratio of males to females was 50:50? One thing is certain, it would not be the same utopia it is presented as in the show. Perhaps this means that the ideal Marxist state can only truly operate when everyone is equal, including sexually, although it is almost impossible to imagine an all-female Smurf Village. This is probably more due to deep, intrinsic sexism in our own society than any other reason. If female was the ‘natural’ sex for Smurfs, I cannot see why they would all look like Smurfette. The concept of beauty, if it existed at all, would have no basis, no frame of reference in which to be equated with ‘blonde and cute’.

The Smurf Village as Homotopia

The Smurf Village was always all-male, until Smurfette came along, when it was still overwhemingly male. This means that they did not procreate by traditional means, and thus, ‘heterosexuality’ would not be the norm.

Much like ancient Greek city-states such as Athens, which many believe is the closest to a pure democracy the world will ever come, government was by all the people, and by ‘all the people’ they meant males only. Women are not invited to particpate in public affairs. In Athens, homosexuality was not uncommon, nor was it particularly frowned upon.

No Smurf ever forms a relationship with Smurfette. Although she is the focus of some childish heterosexual rivalries, especially between Hefty and Handy, there is never any real heterosexual tension in the Village. The tension is more between Hefty and Handy themselves, who seem to be more interested in impressing each other than Smurfette.

If the Smurf Village existed for ages without any females, how would the Smurfs have been able to understand what the Smurfette was? Certainly, nature would provide examples of male-female bondings that the Smurfs would have been able to observe, but in their own sphere, there were never any women, and never any heterosexuality. Thus, how could Smurfette have been able to seduce anyone? Are the creators trying to say that heterosexuality is the natural state, even if it never existed in society and there was never any frame of reference for understanding what heterosexual attraction was? On this point, I’m prepared to let the creators off. They probably weren’t even thinking about it, because in our society, heterosexuality is very much seen as the norm.
Lastly, I believe the characters of Hefty, Handy and Vanity are gay archetypes. Vanity is the kind of gay archetype commonly presented by the straight entertainment industry, for example in the UK sitcom Are You Being Served? while Hefty and Handy are gay archetypes in the same vein as the Village People, with their extremely iconic masculinity, exaggerated to the point of camp. Meanwhile, I believe Clumsy and Brainy represent an stereotypical gay couple.

Conclusion
I believe that at the very least, Peyo was attempting to present certain Marxist theories in the form of an allegorical fairy tale. The Smurfs, then, succeeds in the way the best kind of fantasy literature does - by shining a light on the real world we all live in. There is much evidence to suggest that The Smurfs, as a narrative, is a utopian socialist fable. And ultimately, I think a large part of the appeal of the show comes from this utopian ideal, because even if it is unlikely to ever occur in the real world, with all its complexities, we can still imagine.

Culture Dipsomania

Wednesday, January 4th, 2006

It’s so weird. After 13 years of monitoring political developments, I have been reduced to monitoring my mood swings - harharhar!

For friends who wonder (and worry) about the template change of this blog, please be assured that black has always been my comfort color (the absence of light is not something I am atomatically afraid of. Am worried about the absence of sound).

I will now make a habit of writing about mundane and banal things. I have always wondered how the other half lives, and now, well, tuduh! here I am.

It’s all actually a matter of trying to…uncoil my brain from the nautilus shell shape its been in for quite some time.

It shames me a little to explain, but in truth the physical exhaustion is a direct result of how weary my brain has become of processing the same input for the longest time. I didn’t know it could happen to me, but since it has, well, am now focusing my energy (and my senses) on things I have been neglecting or ignoring for some time. Even the banal, corny things ( do I sound defensive? Holy heck, I think I do, aaaargh!); but for the most part I yearn to learn new things that may not be immediately useful to my temporarily stalled political life, but could at least help my brain stretch out. In college I had two minors — theater arts and creative writing. I took those courses not so much because I had it in my head to be a full-time writer or get a life in the theater some day (I was most interested in the staging aspects — lighting and set design, actually), but because I felt…happy learning about those things.

Some of the things I want to know about:

1. How chocolate bars are made (or how they put the Ms on the M&Ms);

2. Dolphins and porpoises and the ways they can be identified from each other;

3. Martial arts of in Asian cultures (karate, aikido, taekwondo, wu-shu);

4.How to grow cactus;

5. Latin American literary traditions;

6. Chaos theory (my husband keeps forcing me to read this book he has on it - some paperback by some guy named James Gleick);

7. Different cat breeds;

8. How prosthetics in horror flicks are made;

9. The history of Korean cinema; and

10. How claymation started.

Last night my sister treated me and my husband to a dinner at Yellow Cab. She was saying how she wanted to quit her job and go back to teaching physics. The money, she said, is never enough — it cannot replace the feeling of self-fulfillment.

Holy crap - that sure shot down any ideas I have of getting a temporary paying job at this point. I was thinking how great it would be to stuff my wallet full and buy all the books I want at Fully Booked without having to make freaking mental calculations on how many meals I would be forced to forego if I went and brought a new - not remaindered, not second-hand, not smuggled in — book.

There really is more to life than satisfying all your material wants. Crap.

——————-

The other day I overheard a conversation betwen two tambays in our neighborhood about how poverty and hopelessness ("Pare, ganyan talaga ang buhay mahirap - walang kapag-a-pag-asang umangat), and it struck me how the problems brought about by joblessness, lack of education and homelessness are such a daily thing in the lives of most Filipinos that the only real time that shakes people, shocks people is the death of loved ones. Otherwise, for the most part, nothing seems to faze us anymore. 

Living death is what the Filipino people is subjected to because of poverty. No chance of genuine development. And who’s to blame for all this horror, this zombie-like existence of dragging our bodies from one day to the next?

Galeano "Excuse me waiter, there’s the blood and misery of a thousand small farmers in my coffee."

  I

Code Blue

Monday, January 2nd, 2006

Uhoh
Am going on leave from Anakpawis. 
I’m not really keen on having to explain as to why I won’t be showing up for a while at the usual political gatherings, but I suppose I do have to explain a little.

My brain has shrunk to the size of a raisin, and I’m so afraid that I’ve lost all of my creativity. It’s so hard to write these days, and am so worried that if my…wacked-outedness…continues, I won’t be able to do so anymore and, well, that would be akin to, well dying.

I’m taking a sabbatical from work, and my families (the one I was born to, and the one I work with every day as a political activist), have so kindly allowed me to take a leave and get  my bearings back.  Am grateful.

Argh_1
All the cliches and imagery for exhaustion has applied to me for the last six months (melting candle, burning the candle at both ends, on the verge of collapse, a candidate for the nuthouse, a future Prozac user, etc etc), and now, well, my families have extended their compassionate hand and nudged me out the door for a while.

Everytime I read a newspaper I fight the very strong urge to throw up. I’ve stopped watching the news programs, too.

What have I been doing the last two weeks?
Mostly sleeping.
I only get out of the house when my husband drags me out. I haven’t seen the morning sun all this time, and my dream life has taken over my actual life. I read in bed (you can’t see the mattress because the surface is littered with books), I sleep 10 hours at a time, and I eat only after so much anguished pleas from my poor husband who suddenly has a slothslashnarcoleptic for a wife.

I don’t want to be a former writer. I’ve been writing since I was
seven, for crying out loud! I love my work, and it is as important to
me as on the first day that I joined the Movement; but right now, well,
I could use a little recovery-time. I don’t want to give less than 100% to my work, and right now, to be truthful, am running almost on empty.

So, what will I be doing  in the coming days?

I don’t know yet. Get some sun and exercise, I suppose. Walk my dog. Clear the bedroom of debris. Plant cacti. Alphabetize my tapes and cds. Write short fiction.  Visit the family psychiatrist, I guess. The last time I went was in 1997, jeez. Never thought I’d have to go again, darnnit. There’s this thing called chemical imbalance….

This is the first time in 10 years that I’m doing something like this. I didn’t know mental and physical exhaustion could literally make you so tired that you lose the will to get up from bed, and your sleeping dreams become so vivid and strange.

I resolve to make the best use of this time, though. Gad, I better have something really worthy to show for this!

Donations of valium, prozac and berroca are welcome.